BACON NEWS: Forget multiple bin day, ‘The Q-Pigs’ will eat staff leftovers

BACON NEWS:  Forget multiple bin day, ‘The Q-Pigs’ will eat staff leftovers​​​​​

‘It’s a swill solution’, said Murphy

New regulations require businesses in England to separate food waste from general waste, and Quattro is in a bid to seek a less boaring way to avoid an extra bin in every depot. Instead, environmentally conscious Managing Director, John Murphy, is in talks with pig farmers to supply 39 live pigs to inhabit Quattro’s 13 depots around the UK and snort up staff leftovers. 

‘We have been ‘plant-based’ for 35 years; it’s time to do our bit for the animals’, he said.

With three per depot, the newly dubbed ‘Q-Pigs’ will be under the tight supervision of depot managers, who will co-ordinate the staff food waste and deliver to pig pens every evening in accordance with the Animal Protection for Flats, Offices & Outside Landmarks (A.P.F.O.O.L.).  

Depot staff are said to be ‘squealing with joy’ with the news, as any leftovers can be tossed into a pigswill for the new Quattro swines to enjoy.  Afterwards, Q-Pig muck will be used to fertilise office plants and gardens.

Whilst the QPP (Q-Pig Plan) is underway, some say it’s a pig in a poke, and there is scepticism from officials. One unnamed spokesman claimed Murphy is being pigheaded: ‘This is a whole different animal we’re dealing with here.  If Murphy's not telling porkies this plan could end up a pig’s ear!’

‘Oh, please!  Don’t go bacon my heart!’ Murphy responded. ‘This is a swill solution for waste management.  We will be expanding our environmental division and listing Q-Pigs on the hire desk.  Size of Q-pig will correspond to weight of food waste disposal. Our Q-Pigs will be pleased to satisfy their pork bellies.  The largest can be hired at Christmas, but as the weather is cold we have to ensure all Q-pigs are in blankets.’

Several of the Q-Pigs have already been selected and named, with favourites including Pigcasso, Piggy Smalls, Boaris Johnson, Kevin Bacon, Percy Pig, Suzi Quattro Pig and one fatted Q-Pig foreman boar, Boss Hog.

‘The Q-pigs are new to the rail industry’ says Murphy, ‘but history has shown they are an environmentally sound food waste management solution. People may say I’m a glutton for punishment and some may snort with laughter… but I believe they can fly.’

Be one of the first to hire a Q-Pig - email john.murphy@quattroplant.co.uk with discount code PORKSCRATCHING1-4-25

Note: Quattro will adhere to Qultural appropriation guidelines

• Q-Pigs must give up bacon for lent
• Q-Pig sows must have mud baths and spa treatment administered on Mother’s Day
• Q-Pigs require one minute silence for their colleagues at Christmas and Easter
• Q-Pigs must observe fasting during Ramadan.  (At sunset they can hog the food) 
• Q-Pigs must be rotated daily so each gets a turn in the middle
• Q-Pigs must celebrate National Days, including Piggies Day in March, however. Guinness is prohibited to prevent boars becoming male chauvinists
• LGBTQ-Pigs must be permitted to attend Pig Pride in June